I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
