he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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