So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
