i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
