"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
