I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
