I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
