I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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