I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
