FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
