she looked like the before picture.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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