look no pants
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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