Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I look better un-naked...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
