i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
