I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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