fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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