I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
