He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
