I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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