Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
