i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize