i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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