he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
