it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
