Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
