How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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