You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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