It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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