I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
So. Much. Porn.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
