You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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