I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
