I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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