you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Randomize
