you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
