someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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