I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
