Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
