You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
