She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Randomize
