My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
