You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
