Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
