We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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