So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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