Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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