The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
