so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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