apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
