but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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