I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
