what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
